I’m tired of hearing how pretty other people are.
It’s strange how that can take a toll on a person. I don’t consider my self-esteem to be particularly poor (usually), but lately it’s been taking a nosedive.
It’s all about context, it seems. For example, Paul tells me I’m beautiful quite frequently and I believe him, or I at least believe that he thinks I’m beautiful. I mean, he was interested in me on first glance. As nice as that is to hear, though, it’s minuscule when out with friends, all I hear about is how pretty those other friends are.
It’s interesting how everything comes together. For example, I probably wouldn’t notice a few comments here and there, but when nearly every single outing involves a reference to how pretty someone is, it gets old and starts to make me feel not pretty. It’s damaging, really, even if I agree that those people are really, really, ridiculously good looking. The compliment ratio is probably unbelievable, and I’ve noticed I tend to hope for and then latch onto them when I get them.
It also manifests itself in Facebook posts and tweets about what those pretty people should buy and wear, what they should do with their hair, or how they should do their make-up. And what about me? Do I just get no input, or am I not attractive enough for your recommendations? Sure, that might be completely illogical, but what else is a girl’s brain to do when she’s surrounded by this these days?
The focus on beauty is interesting. For one, others’ focus on it speaks volumes about their priorities and values, not that that makes me feel any better. Really, though, what does it say about a person who’s constantly talking about appearance and material items and not accomplishments, life events, interests, or even relationships? And then it takes someone like me, who mostly does her own thing and doesn’t harp on appearance but is usually pretty confident and turns all of that around. Not that it changes who I am or how I present myself or what I value, but suddenly it create this shift where beauty does become a little more important than it was before. It’s weird, really, and I don’t like it, but is there a way to change that? Maybe just fighting really hard internally.
The ironic flip side of this is super creepy dudes who obviously think I’m attractive but more obviously don’t know how to express that appropriately.
I think I just feel overshadowed, which, combined with everything else that’s been bothering me, is just a whole lot of bad news. I need to find a balance of being me and standing out but not feeling like, or letting people make me feel like, I’m lesser than anyone else.
I need to feel fabulous tomorrow.