Still Weighing In

I’m still thinking a lot about Nemacolin and everything. I can’t help it.

I’m still set in my decision, though. I just wonder if anyone is aware of it, if they care, if they figured it out on their own, if they understand my reasons.

Do I really care? Only a little.

So far, I have no regrets. I’ve consciously declined (although I haven’t actually said, “No, I’m not going”–when we’re using Facebook to make plans, I just don’t respond if I don’t want to go) a few outings at this point.

The point is still the same–I do deserve better. Much better. I’m not the only one who’s done damage, but I am the only one being punished. Aside from being hurt, there are lots of behaviors I no longer want to implicitly support by keeping quiet about them, and with everything considered, the best option for me right now is to remove myself.

This has made me a little lonely, and I’m so used to operating as a group that I’m having to condition myself. That’s part of the original problem on a few levels. When you have a whole group, it’s obvious when someone is left out. It also makes it more hurtful, no matter the reasons, especially when they aren’t given until after questions are asked. I still believe Nolan wouldn’t have told me anything if I wouldn’t have asked.

My gut reaction is still, “Yes, I want to go!” I have to remind myself that I don’t, and I have very good reasons for that–among them that I’d been unhappy for a while prior to this anyway.

I’m sure they talk about me, which only reinforces my decision. Why do I want to spend time with people who do that? Especially at this point in life.

I also want to prove that I don’t need them.

This must be what a break-up feels like. That’s almost what it is.

Ironically, almost a year ago, Paul and I almost broke up over negative things he said about them. I don’t remember what he said, but I remember I didn’t like it and took it hard. I have a loyalty thing–criticizing people I care about is not allowed. I told him I’d probably get over it, but there was a chance I wouldn’t. And if I didn’t…

But I did. He pointed this all out to me a few nights ago, maybe a week ago, but I’d already thought of it. Things were much different a year ago. I’m better off now.

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