4th of July

Sarah had a party for the 4th, and I convinced Brandon and Kelly to go with me. I thought going alone might get weird–I hadn’t seen anyone but Meri (and a fleeting Marissa) since the Nemacolin debacle. And rather than not go or plan my visit around trying to avoid people, I decided to suck it up and get the awkward “firsts” out of the way, since we share so many mutual friends and one of them is getting married in October. I don’t want to make a wedding awkward or dramatic–ironically, the reason I was allegedly not even told about Nemacolin was as to not cause drama. Clearly, I still reject this reason.

Now, I am admittedly not helping. I don’t know if anyone has noticed, but I pretty much have not spoken to anyone but Sarah, Marissa, or Meri unless I was addressed, and even then I only answer a question or respond to a direct statement. In a way, I’m holding a grudge, but I was treated like shit and I only know three of my friends definitely defended me and agreed the treatment was shitty. So I’m not interested in being someone’s punching bag anymore. And I’ve had a lot of time to think. I don’t appreciate being blamed for everyone else’s personal problems, so unless someone can at least speak to me about what was done, I quit. People who refuse to respect me or acknowledge that their intentional behavior was hurtful don’t deserve my time and attention.

So that’s basically how the 4th went. We arrived late after Kelly was done with work, I took some tasty fruit salad, sat by the pool, and said very little, speaking only to who I wanted.

And then a storm rolled in, as they often do here in the summer. And then ever single one of my friends decided to leave, despite the pleas from Sarah’s family. Now, I understood why and never once thought it had anything to do with my presence, though I don’t think there’s any comprehension from some that anything is or ever was wrong on their end, but I certainly didn’t feel welcome at whatever their next destination was. Plus I didn’t really want to go anyway. For one, I’d only been there an hour. Plus, when I said way back when that I was done, I meant it. I’m not getting sucked back in because they can make me laugh. I deserve better. Bottom line. And finally, it didn’t take long for it to become clear that Sarah was upset they were leaving, too.

I was told later that they thought everyone would go inside and the house would be cramped, hot, and loud, which probably would’ve been the case. I was also told someone did ask where I was and said they hoped I didn’t think everyone left because I was there.

My decision to say was kind of split-second–I left a lot up to Brandon and Kelly, and as Sarah’s family begged them to stay, I figured, “Fuck it, we’ll stay. There’s no point in going with them or going home.” And on that note, that was kind of the true sign for me that I’ve decided to break away, because I didn’t see why–possibly for the first time–everyone had to leave because a few people wanted to. I think this was a big part of why Sarah was mad.

It probably didn’t help that her sisters were asking her why her friends all left and started asking me why I’m the only one that talks to them anymore.

And that’s how Sarah and I talked most of the evening about, well, everything.

Her opinions are hers to share should she ever want to, but the basic points are as follows:

  • Many of them do what they want when they want with little to no regard of how anyone else feels.
  • Nolan essentially gave me a list of things I’ve done to hurt people, while no one has ever done the same to him and his list would surely be much longer.
  • There are double standards and favoritism within the group, which is relatively new.
  • Some of them have gotten mean.

And that’s how I decided my hiatus wouldn’t be a hiatus at all. I am quitting the Craigs. I’ve thought since I started the hiatus that I’d either go back or leave completely, and to me, going back was unacceptable. It would’ve been showing weakness, and I would’ve gone back to a group in which nothing would change and I would return to being a disrespected joke that matters less than prettier, funnier people. Like I’ve said since May, I deserve better, and I’m going to get it.

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