I don’t know where to start with this. I really don’t.
Basically, I was told that by expressing hurt, I was playing the victim. Maybe that’s technically true by definition, but no matter what, I think I have a right to be upset about being treated like shit, leading up to being completely shut out and practically lied to.
I’ve fucked up. I don’t remember most of these fuck-ups, but they happened and people got hurt and I have to deal with that one way or another, even though I’ve decided to cut out some of the people involved. But I fucked up accidentally. In fact, best-case scenario I knew I fucked up a few weeks later. In the worst case, it was over a year later. I never meant to. I never tried to. I never even realized I was saying problematic things.
I think the implication in me “playing the victim” is that I deserved everything said and done to me since–that my transgressions, no matter how great or small, no matter how aware or unaware I was, no matter how they were handled by either party, are justification for hurting me. That I should recognize that they did what they had to do and deal with it. I don’t have a right to be upset because they got hurt first, and saying, “Hey, this is all very shitty of you and I don’t think it was appropriate friendship troubleshooting” is making this all about me and playing the victim. After all, the intent of not inviting me to a party, not even telling me about, and then being dishonest about the reasons why wasn’t to hurt me. Hurting me was just an unfortunate byproduct. Oh, sure, they may have been aware that I would get hurt and went along with everything anyway, but they weren’t trying to hurt me.
Obviously, this thing has blown up and gotten really, really ugly. Meri was right in predicting that. But in its blow-up, I have received confirmation that I might the right decision for myself by discontinuing friendships.
Remember–this incident was a last-straw deal. I’d been made fun of and put down on a somewhat regular basis, felt like I didn’t matter, tons of other lovely negative emotions brought on by words and actions, and then all this. I’ll come back to this on a post about my so-called immaturity in all this, but I want to stress that this is not about me being mad that I wasn’t invited to a party. This is about some of my “friends” regularly disregarding me completely. I mean, I reached a point where I didn’t even feel like I had a support system, and as things really degenerated, I knew I was being talked about and made fun of behind my back–the same way other friends had been. So not only was I getting hurt, but I was being complicit in other friends being treated like shit, too, and a lack of action makes me just as guilty. I don’t want to be that kind of person.
But again, they weren’t trying to hurt me. They knew I would get hurt, but that wasn’t their intent. But I can’t seem to get it across that there’s a very, very fine line between intent and disregard. As I said, I did things totally accidentally and annoyingly. I didn’t say things intending to hurt someone, but I also wasn’t even aware that I was saying hurtful or damaging things. If I had been aware I was about to say something hurtful and sad it anyway, is that really that much different than saying something specifically with the intent of hurting someone? No matter the reason, if you really don’t want to hurt someone, you don’t do something you know will hurt them.
And that’s how I’ve come full circle to saying, “Shit, this is not the kind of person I want to play a major role in my life.” I’ve had more than one of those moments from May until now.
One of them was when I was actually told that I treat my non-heterosexual friends like they don’t have feelings or like “props.” First of all, that’s a very bold accusation coming from someone who at this point had only known me about a year and a half and spent most of that time holding a grudge I was unaware of. That led to an “Oh, my God, you have completely misjudged me” epiphany that we will discuss later. But most importantly, it implied that I’ve done and said all these terrible things because he’s gay.
But I’m the one playing the victim?
(Note: This is the same dude who got a celebrity to wish him a happy birthday on Twitter by saying he proved the doctors wrong when they said he wouldn’t make it past 21–needless to say, that’s not true.)