- What would you sarcastically like to thank your local government for? Thank you, Pat Toomey, for not taking constituents’ calls and not listening to them in general. And being generally terrible, enough to spawn the Twitter account What’s Pat Up To? I look forward to casting a vote against you. Again. Matter of fact, thank you, as well, Pat Toomey voters, for failing to elect a capable politician.
- What would you sarcastically like to thank your body for? Thank you, body, for pulling fat from my ass–where I was okay with it being–and not doing anything about this tum. It’s great.
- What would you sarcastically like to thank your neighbors for? Thank you, upstairs neighbors, for yelling loud enough that I can sometimes hear you, such as when the lady was yelling at the gentleman about how she can go out if she wants to. That’s right, girl, you can! On top of that, thank you for fighting bad enough that I’ve wondered at times if I should call the police, particularly when I hear thuds and then hear your baby crying. In fact, I’ve been advised that I can, in fact, call for a welfare check, and should things escalate, I intend to. And thank you for making bizarre noises that sound like furniture being moved at random hours of the day and night, too. It’s a nice plus, as is the man’s demeanor when we interact with him. It makes it seem as though he’s nice, when it sounds like he probably actually isn’t.
- What would you sarcastically like to thank the internet for? Thank you, internet, for always being nice and civil, never jumping to conclusions or spreading false information or defending what should be indefensible or being terrible to people.
- What would you sarcastically like to thank November for? Thank you, November, for being cold and gross. For making my skin feel terrible. For making me long for summer yet again. On the plus side, we’ve nearly survived 2017!
As always, from Friday 5.